Dogs can teach valuable lessons
Humor lists prove dogs truly are man's best friend most of the time

In my years as a dog trainer, I have collected various lists about dogs from other dog owners. Sometimes I give these out during my training classes, and I hope that you find them as humorous as my students have. Enjoy.
DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A MAN:

1. A dog does not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. A dog misses you when you're gone.
3. A dog feels guilty when it has done something wrong.
4. A dog admits when it's jealous.
5. A dog is very direct about wanting to go out.
6. A dog does not play games with you - except fetch (and it never laughs at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. A dog is easy to buy for.
9. A dog understands what "no" means.
10. A dog means it when it kisses you.

TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
10. A dog does not shop.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue and when to use it.
5. Leave time in your schedule for a good nap.
6. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
7. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
8. Take time out to chase butterflies.
9. Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
10. Be a blessing to those that you love.

MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS

1. After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel-dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poop'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up 20 minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning business. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside; this will drive them nuts!)

It seems that dogs can make us laugh, even when they are trying not to. I suggest that you put this article someplace where your dog can't get hold of it to use it against you. Oh, that's right - dogs can't read.
Eamon P. Riley is a professional dog trainer and animal behavioral consultant. For suggestions or comments, he can be reached at dogmanusmc@aol.com or 689-9483